Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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