I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
