My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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