please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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