His pubic hair was longer than his dick
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
