im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Rumble strips road head = magical
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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