i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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