So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
