i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
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