Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
