Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
