just come out here and I will go home with you...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
