At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My nipple is on Facebook.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
