I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
