either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
