I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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