i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize