Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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