My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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