He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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