one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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