The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
