please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
