They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
two words...techno handjob
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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