I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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