he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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