I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
