I like my sex mixed with concussions.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
