You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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