I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
