Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
