1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
