K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
