I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
