dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
