I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
