There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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