Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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