mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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