Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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