and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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