i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
