she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
