just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
