dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
