My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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