No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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