his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
