I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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