party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
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I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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