Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
