My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
