So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
