he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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