Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
