please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
