I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
