Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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