Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
