my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
