i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
