if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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