I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
