STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
